The Grief Cycle

The years between 2004 and 2014 were a period of adversity that eclipsed all the difficulties of my previous life. To survive it all, I had to learn how to grieve well. As long as we live, we will experience many sorrows (as well as joys!) and therefore we must learn to grieve well.

Taking my cues from a description of the Messiah in Isaiah 53:3, I began to understand something. It is this: the key to healing well from all the sorrows and losses we experience is to become well-acquainted with the entire grief process and to master it. As I agreed to commit myself to understanding the stages of grief and practicing them with every sorrow and loss, I have genuinely been able to heal without getting stuck forever in incomplete grief. 

There are several valid models for grieving; the most well-known is the Kubler-Ross model. In that paradigm, there are five stages of grief: shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are all necessary stages we must go through, and we help ourselves if we commit ourselves to cooperating with the process. When we finish, we are free to move on in life. 

I personally believe that there is one more stage at the end that needs to be added to complete the process, that is "engaging a new reality." There is a necessary disengagement from the past reality because it is either lost to us (no longer exists) or it is detrimental to us to re-engage with that reality. So, I believe that engaging a new and healthy reality is essential to completing the grief process so we can fully heal. Until the other five steps have been completed, however, it is not effective to try to jump straight to this one or to attempt it too early.

Each stage of the grief cycle comes with its pitfalls and potential victories:

1. Shock/Denial. This stage involves suppressing grief. Acknowledging the pain is essential to moving forward, as denial numbs the emotions until they resurface.

2. Anger. Anger arises as one confronts the pain of loss. It's important to express this feeling healthily, as unprocessed anger can turn into bitterness. Talking it out with trusted individuals can facilitate this process.

3. Bargaining. In this stage, individuals may negotiate with themselves or a higher power, seeking to rectify injustices. Getting stuck here leads to a perpetual quest for resolution, so it's vital to accept what cannot be changed.

4. Depression. When efforts to resolve the pain fail, individuals confront the reality of their loss. It's necessary to feel this pain to fully heal and move toward acceptance.

5. Acceptance. Acceptance means acknowledging the loss as part of your story, allowing you to integrate it into your journey without resigning to a diminished quality of life.

6. Engaging a New Reality. This final stage involves embracing life anew. Acceptance leads to the opening of the door and hope for better things ahead.

I've found within myself an innate resistance to the grief process, probably because I want a quicker fix, am in denial of my need for it, or am reluctant to let myself feel the full impact of loss. Courage is required to agree to becoming "a man/woman of sorrows, well acquainted with grief." If we muster the courage to go the distance with the grief process, we can end up with a new and enduring peace, empowerment, and greater compassion towards others as they, too, find themselves in need of walking down this road.