We Hide Because of Shame

writing by Jennie Allen

We hide because of shame.

The enemy loves us to self-protect, and sometimes he will use our pain, and sometimes he will use our shame. Alone in the dark, the enemy can tell us all kinds of lies about ourselves, our God, our reality. He lurks behind walls, in a sneaky word that sounds true and worms its way into our thoughts, becoming a belief about ourselves.

Shame.

You don’t rest on transparency now because you’ve shared your struggles before, and friends punish you for being so real. One of the enemies' favorite lies is the lie of shame, because the cost of shame is connection. I said earlier that in the beginning, Adam and Eve had everything they needed from God. God loved them, and we’re perfectly safe with each other. And still, they went off the rails. They chose their own way and broke relationship with God and with one another. And how did they react? Genesis said they had. They covered their shame and nakedness with leaves. They didn’t want God to find them. But of course, God found them.God wanted them to come out of sin, hiding, and shame, and to return to a relationship with Him.

But God is just and righteous, and He could not tolerate sin with no consequence. Sin requires payment, and the price was death. That day He set in motion an answer to it all. He covered the nakedness and shame of Adam and Eve with clothes made from animal skins. It was a picture of the gospel. I promise that one day the blood sacrifice of the lamb will cover our sins once and for all. This remains God’s desire, that we would be in right relationship with Him.

This is the story of God. He loves us so much that even when we turn away, He fights to get us back, to make us right with Him. He values us that much, and He has set us in our places and created us for connection and purpose that is beyond what we can imagine. He does all of that because He is good. He is so loving and powerful, and He wants to share himself with us.

Since this is true, we never again need to be in bondage to shame. We have been made beautifully and totally free. But we forget that this is so. So we listen to the enemy, lying whispers that lead us to shame. Attitude to that shame and pain caused by others, and even if our hearts, we believe God’s truth, we decide it’s safer to build walls.Only when we let our guards down and allow ourselves to be known can we get over ourselves and get on with loving people.

Love changes us and changes others. Love takes strangers and makes families. Love heals wounds and empty spaces in us that we never dreamed could be filled.

God is love, and when we choose to cooperate with Him, we get to carry His love to people who are deeply desperate for it.

But it all starts with being known.

When you’ve been in the dark for a long time, stepping into the light can leave you blinking and confused.

So, I imagine you have a few questions . . .

Do I really share everything?

With the right safe vetted friends, you really do share everything, but NOT with everyone! Your whole village doesn’t need to know everything. Only those committed to walking with you through your everyday life and your deepest struggles qualify here.What if the other person doesn’t reciprocate with candor of her own?

Try to find out why your friend doesn’t feel safe being transparent. Ask great questions and keep trying, if this is one of your safe people. A lot of people aren’t great at this. They honestly need practice. Don’t give up.Do I need to give people permission to do this with me?

Yes, you need to have that awkward conversation of saying I want you to be one of my people.How do you move past all the shallow conversations?

Given how supernatural our culture has become, there is no way to go deep in a friendship without a bit of clumsy give-and-take. Instead of fearing it, denying it, or explaining it away, how about we just own it?

If you sense that a person is safe, then try these six steps for having a deep conversation.

And remember, don’t take yourself too seriously.

1. Plan to get together uninterrupted and distraction-free.

2. Prepare your friend that you would like to have an intentional, deep conversation that you two don’t normally enjoy.

3. Lead the conversation. Express why you want to go deeper. Share a difficulty in your life. Be as vulnerable as you can because others will only go as deep and vulnerable as you go.

4. Resist the temptation to solve.

5. Affirm your friend following your conversation and express how much the back-and-forth meant to you.

6. Plan a follow-up gathering.Most people are not accustomed to these conversations, but don’t let their first reaction cause you to withdraw. If you want them to listen, then ask them to listen. If you want them to help you solve the problem, then ask them to help you solve the problem.

Tell people how to show up for you.

And let them express how you can show up for them.

-Writing by Jennie Allen condensed for content